As I grow up, I find that life is a journey of forgiveness.
Things could go wrong sometimes. People could break your heart. Friends could
say something painful. Even your closest person could tear you up. But after
all, we always have the choice to forgive. Well, it is not as easy as it seems,
I know. To forgive is not the same as to forget. You may try to forget the
person you hate, but it will not change your feeling for them anyway. Hence,
here I share my stories about forgiveness. To make you see, that after all
those hard situations, I finally could forgive. When I can do it, pretty sure
all of you also can do it.
There will be several parts which contain different case on
each. Please enjoy reading and see you on every post!
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Well, I don’t know whether it is a good idea to write this on
the very first post, but yeah, here we go!
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Once upon a time, I had a friend named Agatha. We knew each
other because we were in the same university. I cannot say that we were close
because we didn’t have much time together. Well, she is beautiful. At least most
of my friends (that have met her) agreed.
One day, we had lunch together with one of our friend. I
personally don’t like to use my phone when I’m around my friends. I try to
respect them by putting my phone on the table. I am more excited to get some
gossip than to scroll my Instagram. Sorry, girl will be girl, gossip will
always be my thing.
While we had our conversation, Agatha suddenly asked me “Why
don’t you open your phone?” I didn’t answer anything because there’s no specific
reason. I just didn’t want to open it. I chose to keep talking with my friend. Then,
out of nowhere, Agatha interrupted the conversation by saying “You don’t have
any boyfriend, do you? That’s why you put your phone down”. Actually, that was
not the first time she said it to me. Well, I didn’t find any correlation
between putting my phone on the table and not having a boyfriend. So, I didn’t
say a word. I thought she will stop talking about it.
Turns out she didn’t stop there. She repeated her question,
well, her opinion over and over again. But the third (or fourth, idk) times
were the bomb! “I don’t know why Laura can stay single until now. She didn’t even
have someone to chat with. We keep checking our phone to see if someone sends
us a chat. But not her. She didn’t even check her phone because no one chat
her. She has no boyfriend. Poor her.”
I’m not sure whether she is asking or mocking. There is
something hidden in the way she talk.
Let’s make her sentence easy. She tried to say “Girl, you
are not pretty. I am the princess here. Don’t you see how many boys pursue me?
And look, no one likes you. You don’t get any message while I got so many. You
should feel upset on yourself. You should not feel okay. I’m going repeat this
until you cry. You are not pretty. No one likes you.” and so on.
What did she try to do by then? She was not making herself
better than me. She was trying to make her feel better about herself.
I didn’t know how many times she told me like that. But then,
those words successfully brought out my insecurity. She made me think that it
isn’t okay to have no boyfriend. Am I ugly?
Is it because I’m not as pretty as Agatha? Am I weird? Why I don’t have
boyfriend? Is it not normal to be single? Is it a must to have boyfriend? I
kept repeating those questions in my head.
Well, if she had a mission to break my confidence,
then she really did a good job. I was so stressed back then. Her words and my
questions were like a broken cassette in my head. They were spinning in my head
and made my insecurity bigger every day. It made me feel bad about myself. It
made me think that I am not enough.
I did not only hate myself. She became someone I hate, too. I
was afraid to meet her. I was not brave to hear any of her words. For me, it feels
like she is an evil. I even muted her on my Instagram. She affected me that
much. Every time I saw her, I remembered how rude she was to me and how painful
her words toward me.
Until one day, I realize, I only wasting my energy and my
emotion. She was just wreaking her emotion over something. She might have a
problem but she can’t solve it. The only thing she can do is breaking others. It
was her only way to feel better about herself. She tried to make herself the
greatest person on earth. Not by making herself better, but by making others
down. She needed that confirmation, not from other but from her only self.
After all those time, I decide to stop hating her. I choose
to forgive her. I forgive her rude words over me. I don’t want to ruin my mood anymore
every time I see her on Instagram. It felt so tiring to have a life full of
hatred. I want to change it.
When I start to forgive her, I start to give myself a peace.
When I begin to forgive her, I stop hurting myself and begin to feel enough. I
get a peaceful mind. I can clearly think that everything is okay and it is not
wrong to not have a boyfriend. I still am happy even though I’m single. I have my
friends and my family. I have all I need and that is enough.
Then I realize, even though she didn’t know her fault and didn’t
ask for apologize, I could still forgive her. It is still forgiveness even
though we didn’t hug each other. One thing I know, when I let all that bad
words go from my life, I let all the negativity go. Now I am ready to see her
any time, without any tears followed. And by then, I am sure I already forgive
her.
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That was a long journey until I could finally forgive her.
It was not easy. Yet after all, I learn a lot. I learn that not all people will
say something good to you. There will always be someone that will tear you up. But
at the end of the day, I could wipe my tears and stand for myself. No one will
have any chance to hurt me if I don’t let them.
I also learn that relationship is a something sensitive. For
some people it is okay to talk about it. But for some others, it is privacy.
When you find someone being single, it is their choice. It is not something to
ask. Let them be whatever they want to be. Let people live their life. Farther
than learn to forgive, I also learn to respect others and watch my words.
